Every expat who lives in Laos has difficulty expressing just how unique it is to live in this country. Weird, counter-intuitive, disjointed, baffling, confounding, unsettling, and mysterious are all descriptions that get close to illuminating the state of affairs here, but somehow words just don't do it justice. But I've found that, occasionally, anecdotes can shed light on the complexities of residing in this wonderful nation. Here are a couple from the past few days.
On Saturday after my birthday party I was riding home and realized the dimsum/noodle shop near my apartment was open, which was strange considering it was 4am and they usually close at 9pm. I walk in with some friends and am met by about 15 rowdy but gracious Lao men who offer us seats at their table on the sidewalk. The men happen to all be extremely well dressed, good looking and in possession of a gaggle of exorbitantly expensive cars - specifically an Audi, a Lamborghini, and a Hummer, which is extremely strange for Laos, as there are only like 3 paved roads in town on which you can go about 20mph. Whatever, to each their own.
So I start speaking to the men in Lao language and ask whose Lamborghini it is, and one of the men (the most handsome, in my opinion) raises his hand and claims ownership. In my head I confused the word for girlfriend and wife, so instead of then asking the man if he had a girlfriend, I asked him if he had a wife. He said no, then I asked him if he wanted one. A 4am intoxicated joke, clearly. The man proceeds to claim me as his wife and beckons me into the Lamborghini, which of course I decline, but without first letting him pay for our meals. We exchange numbers and he and his posse drive away leaving us all baffled about their quick departure. One of the owners of the dimsum shop then explains that the men are part of the Lao mafia and had woken up her family to demand that they open the Pho shop for them following their big night out. Ah ha, now the fancy cars in a nation where the average person makes $1/day makes sense. Since then I haven't heard from my husband (?), but I'm pretty sure that him asking me to be his wife and paying for my meal means that we'll be bound by common law forever. In Laos, at least. Feel free to send gifts from our registry at the local impound lot or wherever the mafia confiscates vehicles and belongings of the departed.
Fast forward to today. I've been apartment hunting for the past few weeks and this morning drove by an apartment that appeared to be exactly what I was looking for so stopped to take a closer look. A Lao man who was asleep in the garage asked me if I lived in the apartment building, and I explained that I didn't, but was interested in checking it out. I asked him if he worked at the apartment building (perhaps as a security guard?) and he said no, that he just sleeps on the floor of the garage because it's cooler than anywhere else on the block. Hmm, ok. Maybe this isn't the kind of place I'm looking for then. But before I can say or do anything, he explains that he will help me, then takes the spare helmet in the basket of my motorbike, puts it on, and hops on the back of my bike and starts screaming directions at me. "BAI SEU! LAEW LIAW KHWAH. SEU SUE NOI NEUNG...!!!" So naturally, I start following his directions.
After about a 10 minute drive we turn up at a large beautiful house that's under construction. There are about 10 Lao men working on the house and he explains that they're his brothers and they are renovating this colonial house with the hopes that a foreigner will want to rent it. I ask him how much and he says $500, which is how much I'd previously told him I wanted to pay for a 1 bedroom apartment. He takes me on the tour of the house which is absolutely stunning - 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, hardwood floors, gorgeously manicured garden/lawn, 2 verandas, etc etc. He then puts me on the phone with a woman who speaks English - his mother - who explains that the house is mine for $500 plus she'd take me to any store in Laos or Thailand and buy me any furniture that I wanted to furnish the house with. I think I shit in my pants. I sealed the deal with her and will move in when the construction is finished in 2 weeks.
I drove Mr. Sah back to his cool resting spot in the garage and asked him if there was any way I could compensate him. He requested that after I move into the house I buy him a can of beer and bring it to him in the garage.
High on life, I'm driving back to my apartment and as I'm making the last left turn I realize that the straight ahead turn signal is green but the left turn signal is red. Apparently I noticed this too late because a police officer pulls me over and explains in Lao language that I was too far in the middle of the road prior to my turn, at least that's what I think he said. I explain to him that that's not actually an offense, I hadn't actually turned, that I was just preparing to, but he wouldn't budge from his position. He demanded I give him 50,000 kip (~$6) and he would let me go. I knew this money would go directly into his pocket, and being the crusader against corruption at the government level that I am, I refused to pay him, and insisted that he write me a ticket and that I would pay it directly at the police station. At that point he got another colleague involved (who also didn't speak English) presumably to convince/coerce me into paying them and, again, I refused even though I had no idea what I was refusing by that point. After debating the topic for 30 minutes in the blazing sun we finally reached a deal: 15,000 kip (~$2) and a can of beer (see a pattern forming?) to each of them. With a huge sense of accomplishment I hopped back onto my motorcycle and drove off, only later realizing that I was driving down a one-way street against traffic without my helmet on (huge offense!) in front of my same police friends. They just smiled and cheers'ed their newly acquired Beer Laos in the air to me.
One time for the Lao People's Democratic Republic!
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